As a follow up to my post on 10 Steps to Conflict Resolution I thought I’d post this list of ‘Rules for Fighting’ that I dug out of one of my marriage counselling files.
Again – it applies to all kinds of relationships and I can’t see why it’s not relevant to bloggers (some points more than others). I hope some find it of some use.
- Know what you’re fighting about
- Stick to one subject only
- Be direct – say how you feel, say what you require
- Choose the time of your battles carefully
- Keep quarrels private
- Don’t read your partner’s mind
- Don’t expect your partner to read your mind
- Don’t Blame
- Own your own feelings – this means starting sentences with ‘I feel’, not ‘you make me feel’
- Don’t talk each other down
- Don’t hit below the belt
- Don’t wear the belt too high
- Don’t bring up past fights and use them as ammunition for the present one
- Actively listen
- No physical Violence
PS: In terms of a source for this – it was given to me by a friend with no note of the original source on it.
ah Learn many things
16. Don’t attack what you’ve previously supported.
Off topic question.
Are you still using Technorati tags on each and every post?
A very good list, although I think it needs a little adaptation with regards to online conflict between bloggers. For example, “Don’t read your partner’s mind” and “Don’t expect your partner to read your mind” are all good and well, but most blogger conflicts don’t happen face-to-face or even in a single timeframe.
No, blogger conflicts most often occur as chunks of text over a period of hours, day, or weeks (I’d hate to meet a pair of bloggers who can feud for months). Thus, it might be better to phrase these items as, “Don’t try to infer tone” and “Don’t expect your partner to infer your tone.” I’ve had a number of online communications that didn’t turn out well because the person with whom I was communicating thought I “sounded” angry even though I wasn’t. Except through emoticons, tone doesn’t effectively translate to text, which can lead to conflict. Inferences such as this should be avoided to ensure a good fight.
15 rules for fighting fair…
The ProBlogger weblog lists 15 rules to stick to in order to keep your fights fair. For example, the first five: Know what you’re fighting about Stick to one subject only Be direct – say how you feel, say what……
DONT KICK EACHOTHER IN THE BALLS
I just had a quarrel with my boss!
Your advices are extremely helpful, if you study them in depth and be calm!
[…] In the interest of promoting more niceness, especially in the comments section of my blog: Fair Fighting Rules […]
Be prepared to walk away if you or the other person cannot abide by the rules listed above.
When you are calm, analyze what you heard.
What set this off?
Is it true?
Does it matter?
What are you willing to do to solve the conflict?
What are you not willing to do?
[…] “公平对抗原则”－来自problogger […]
Writing is such great therapy Darren. I wrote an associated content article months ago after an arguement with my husband. Helped me alot!
I agree with your post, can’t even pick out a favorite. I think the main thing to remember is that you can’t take stuff personally (and you have to talk like the person is going to take it personally). You argue, cry, stomp off and then there’s still kids to be fed and jobs to go to so you apologize and forgive and get on with life.
This is still the person you value above any other and you just get over your own pettiness. The cool thing is that passionate arguements actually break down barriers and make you closer and better communicators. So, maybe it’s good to fight :)
Funny, I normally resolve conflicts by engaging the person in an arm wrestling challenge. ;)
[…] i saw this on problogger via lifehacker and i wanted to keep it around somewhere. this seemed like as good of a spot as any to archive this thing. […]
Excellent post! The best point: # Don’t expect your partner to read your mind and # Don’t Blame. We usually expect other people to read our mind and we keep blaiming because we are not assertive enough to stand up for ourselves.
A very good list, although I think it needs a little adaptation with regards to online conflict between bloggers. Thanks! :o)
Great list. I agree that active listening can have a huge impact on any relationship. In our society everybody wants to talk. A person who’s listening is a rare treasure nowadays.
Just try to listen in any party to others, be sensitive and passionate about their “problems” and you will be the person who everybody goes to.
Don’t blame yourself and others. We all have our flaws and mistakes, but without them we wouldn’t call our existence life, right?