This guest post is by Karol K of ThemeFuse.
Being the best blogger on the planet is just so mainstream. Why would you even aim for that?!
Why not aim for something much easier to achieve, and be the worst blogger the world has ever seen?
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, people follow different steps in reaching this goal, but I think these 13 will do the job well enough. So here we go, how to be the worst blogger in the world in just 13 easy steps.
Disclaimer: this is pure entertainment, don’t take it seriously. These steps are exactly the opposite of those you should put into practice.
1. Do no research whatsoever before writing a post
Who needs research? Research is overrated. It just takes time. Chances are no one will be able to notice that your posts are written with no information backing them up anyway.
Simply starting to write whatever comes to mind is a much more effective approach for the worst blogger in the world.
2. Don’t spend more than 30 seconds working on your headline
Headlines are just an evil internet marketer’s way of convincing people to do nasty things! Don’t be a part of the practice.
Make sure you’re on the light side of the force. Don’t use pitchy language that might just be able to arouse some interest in your readers. Be honest and make it clear from the get go that there’s nothing interesting in your posts.
3. Write drunk
What’s your usual behavior when you’re drunk? Talking about strange, unrelated things, maybe? And acting like you’re the biggest expert in the world?
This is exactly the way you should be writing your posts. Remember, the more ideas you touch upon in a single post, the better. Posts about just a single idea are simply lame. The more unrelated information you give, the better.
By the way, did I tell you about my great Chili Con Carne recipe? You take one large onion, some hot peppers, slice it up and put everything in a pan. After about ten minutes you take 0.5 kg of ground beef and put it in the pan too. You season it with some salt, hot pepper, cumin, cayenne pepper, and basil. After about ten minutes you put in some fresh sliced tomatoes, and one can of chopped tomatoes. Then wait another half an hour and put in some red kidney beans. Ten minutes later your meal is ready.
Anyway, what was I..? Oh yes: blogging.
4. Use long paragraphs
If your paragraphs are too short, people will start to think you have nothing to tell them, that you have no knowledge and that you’re not really a good writer. A good writer can manage to write long paragraphs with no sense to them whatsoever.
Here’s how you write a long paragraph. First, you take a thought and basically run wild with it. You start by introducing the thought with a single sentence. Then you create at least ten more sentences explaining the thought even though everyone, and I mean everyone, was able to grasp that idea after reading just the initial sentence. Hold on, I’m not done yet. Then you take a second thought and start talking about it mid-paragraph. Finally, you break the thought in half and continue talking about it in another ridiculously long paragraph.
5. Write as if you were writing to yourself
Whether someone else will read your post or not is irrelevant. It’s not your concern. You only need to make sure that the post is understandable to you.
Come on, it’s your blog, so you should put yourself in the center. You, the author, are the most important person here, not the readers.
Remember, you have a basic understanding of the thing you’re writing about, so you don’t need to explain some of the more basic stuff that’s quite obvious to you. Focus on the interesting, difficult stuff only.
6. Use complex language
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
This paper argues that all evaluation has significant rhetorical dimensions, which are often overlooked. This is particularly dangerous where there are high stakes for evaluation and assessment, as in educational assessment and workplace evaluations.
The possibilities are truly endless. Remember that the more complex words and expressions you use, the more likely you’ll be seen as an expert.
7. Don’t edit
Editing is simply a waste of time. Just like researching.
The initial draft of your post is always good enough. Not once in the history of blogging has anyone ever found that any changes need to be made to the original, first draft of an article.
Your first version is always perfect because you are perfect.
As a matter of fact, take this even further and…
8. Don’t even profreed
Typos or grammatical errors are not really that important. Your text is perfectly understandable even if it contains some typos. Chances are people won’t even notice, and if they do … well, you shouldn’t even care anyway, you’re writing for yourself (see point #5).
9. Post as irregularly as possible
One day, publish two posts one after another; then wait a full two weeks before publishing another post.
Then wait one more month and write a post in which you explain why you’ve been gone, thinking that anyone even noticed. And don’t forget to promise that you’ll be posting more often now.
Then forget about it, and write another post three weeks later like nothing ever happened. Then repeat the whole process by publishing two posts in a day.
10. Don’t respond to comments
Remember: your blog, your rules. No one else matters. Responding to comments is a sign of weakness.
Most importantly, never ever respond to comments where someone asks you a question. The best approach is to never approve such comments in the first place.
11. Don’t ever respond to emails
This is even more important than not responding to comments. If someone asks you something via email, well… tough luck.
You are a highly busy blogger and don’t have time for email. Even if it’s not the case, you still need to act as if it was. Busy important people don’t have time to talk to small and unimportant people. That’s the rule.
12. Don’t tell anyone about your blog
Well, you are writing it for yourself anyway. Besides, people will find their way to your blog on their own, since it’s so great.
You are viral from day one. Expect to have massive success with no promotion. Remember, content is always king, and nothing else matters.
13. Complain when you get no traffic
No traffic? Not your fault. It’s because the space is already crowded, and the people who have been around for a while have it much easier.
Your content, even though so great, has managed to remain unnoticed due to an A-list bloggers’ conspiracy.
14. Get the count of your list posts wrong
Remember, you don’t care about the readers. No one will notice anyway, since you have no actual traffic.
That’s it: a complete guide to being the worst blogger in the world in 13 (or 14, whatever) steps. Feel free NOT to comment cause I don’t even care. And don’t send me any emails, for goodness’ sake!
…actually, please do comment. I’m curious about your opinion on this “reverse” tutorial!
Karol K. is a 20-something year old web 2.0 entrepreneur from Poland and a writer at ThemeFuse.com, where he shares various WordPress advice. Contrary to what you might think, he doesn’t want to be the worst blogger on the planet. Don’t forget to visit ThemeFuse to get your hands on some original WordPress themes (warning: no boring stuff like everyone else offers).
Hahahahaha. So THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong!
Ouch! I realized I’m not the worst blogger in town but I need improvement. For sure. Thanks for sharing your thoughts in such a lively fashion.
I love it! Thanks for the laugh this morning :-)
Awww crap, I’m already accused of a few blogging blunders:
-Don’t spend more than 30 seconds working on your headline
-Use long paragraphs
Solid list, I’ll have to refer to it often.
Not a bad overview.
Although, I must warn readers that you should *NOT* follow this post 100%. There are plenty of successful blogs that actually follow some (or all) of these steps in their own creative way.
Rules brings conformity, and conformity in the blogsphere is just pollution.
That’s true, it’s important to have diversity. One of the best blogs I follow has an irregular schedule, enormous posts, enormous paragraphs and, while the subjects are nothing supernatural, the author throws some ideas which can be hard to understand all at once. Not to mention a couple of very egocentric creatures I usually follow. Of course, these are special situations and the authors understand very well what they are doing.
Also, is academic language really complex? I mean, it should be as objective and rigorous as possible… But I got the point.
So true Dilanka. I think you really should NOT research a post before writing it. Give it your own voice. After you have written a few paragraphs, go back and research and add flesh to your post. That way you don’t come out sounding academic and stilted and you can actually write an interesting post.
Lovely post Karol; I had a really good time reading it. Thanks!
I understand that some topics don’t require any research before writing a post around them, but for some it is a mandatory element. For example, I see that you blog about “Practical Tips for ‘newbie’ Internet Marketers.” How would you write a post on, let’s say “Internet Marketing Trends for 2012” without researching it first?
I agree with some of the points but on some of the others I don’t as much. I think bloggers should use their own practices and use what works best for them. It depends on the blog and the blogger. But this was a funny post nevertheless!
Great post! Love starting my day with a coffee and a good chuckle. I am very new to blogging – but thankfully I bring with me common sense, so I haven’t caught myself committing any of the above blunders :P
Wicked! It would have been perfect if you had put a #12 on that last item in your list. Good job.
Unfortunately, I have to agree. It would have been better with #12 on that last item. :)
Nice comparison, people have to stop being lazy when it comes to blogging, including myself.
I would have to agree with these rules (in general). As Dilanka says some blogs make a feature out of this, but if you’re not trying to make a feature out of being a “bad” blogger then (mostly) sticking to the rules is best.
The only thing with the list posts is (as was done in the article) there is often a bonus extra – when they are worthy extras then I never mind!
I thought you are serious with that thing, to write as you write for yourself… But some things are really good, like poetry…
Great reverse article…its a cool way of teaching others two things at once. Oh and it was really funny.
I unfortunately follow some of these rules. Thanks for the laugh.
Good fun, thanks!
Ha ha ha. Problem is, no one notices failed bloggers.
Or is it really a problem…? :)
Very good points, every blogger should memorize these.
P.S. There is a misspelled word in 14th point, 2nd paragraph – “tp”
That was funny… and informative… and an eye opener as I do a few of those things and never thought about it that way before! Thanks so much for sharing ;-)
Love it! Great twist on a topic I’ve been reading a lot about. You are right on the money with what you say. Also, I like the example you set of going at something in a different direction. I’ll have to find a way to incorporate that in my blog sometime. Thoughts are flowing…
It’s somewhat sobering to note how many of these steps I follow when my intention is to create a successful blog. Thanks for the tongue in cheek wakeup call!
Hah hah hah. Very nice style of writing. You could have made the headline common by writing “13 deadly mistakes of blogging” but I like the way you presented it here and made the post title unique and interesting for readers :) Good sense of humor Karol. Love it
Really thanks to Karol K,
The power behinds the computer.
I have a serious problem with grammar writing. Today, I came to this http://www.johnchow.com/the-6-essential-traits-of-super-successful-bloggers/ and this post which convincing not to concern about writing and I agreed, but I’m still want to focus more on writing because a good writing and quality content together can help to improve readers and especially who’s as well trying to improve writing.
Actually, grammar is not my best friend either. English is not my native language, so sometimes I find it hard to get a sentence to just sound right. Anyway, we just have to keep going forward. :)
what if i do the exactly opposite.. lol
I do #2, 4, 5, 9, and 10, but I’ve been blogging since 1998. So…..
Sometimes being not so good and getting minimal attention is a REALLY good thing. I already follow many of these ideas but you’ve come up with some new ones. Thanks for the tips…good to know.
Can’t speak~~Can’t write~~Just Can’t~~my stomach hurts! Thank you…now I have to go edit, AGAIN!
Very nice. The way you explained in the reversal making some fun out of it.
A mostly useless post.
Well, it’s titled “13 Steps to Being the Worst Blogger on the Planet,” such things are rarely useful. Cheers! :)
Love it. This sums up the big mistakes that most beginning bloggers make — and it was a good reminder to me to make sure my blog email address is properly forwarding to my personal address (it wasn’t!).
Very funny. Very true. I am sure I’m guilty of most of them.
hahaha thats a funny one. Especially about making it totally irrelevant. Making paragraphs long is also useful lol
I was laughing when I got to 14. I had a feeling you would do that. Haha Nice post.
This is a wonderful post. I know how much I hate reading paragraphs in a post. They never make sense to me and I always prefer reading a post in points or atleast with headings in between
Long paragraphs in blogposts are awesome. Especially, when said blogposts have a rambling/rantish tone. I enjoyed this post.
Okay, in such a case I can agree that long paragraphs are cool, but in most scenarios they are rather difficult to grasp.
Woo, this was a really fun post :D !
Some points are not just for bloggers, but general etiquette points.
I wish I could send this to some of my professors :P .
Good way to bring attention to the ‘real’ point’. BTW was the profread in #8 intentional / a genuine error? I am sure there are many bloggers who need to read this post, urgently!
Wonderful, creative post!
Last summer, I was in a restaurant and encountered the friend of my lunch partner, who had recently been laid off by a traditional media outlet. She launched into a diatribe against bloggers (who she seemed to blame for the loss of her job), saying they’re not REAL journalists and that they don’t do research. She must only be reading blogs by this type of blogger!
Thanks for the chuckle!
Actually, I don’t think that bloggers are journalists. Nor that most of them want to be. I don’t know much about journalism, but I think that the job description has very little in common with blogging. Except for one thing, that the main product is somewhat the same – a piece of written content.
i liked this one a lot !!!
often i’ll write a post completely from my brain with no research.
i’m beginning to think thats a problem. hmmm…
thank you for this post !!
Oh how I laughed when I read this. So true….so true. I don’t drink but that one cracked me up! Hysterical! Made my day. Thanks for the wisdom and laughs. :) Sinea
Another point? “Never use lists”.
Fantastic! My favorite was point 15.
A good ‘wake-up’ post that reminds everyone of How Not To Succeed in Blogging or Business By Not Really Trying.
#6 – Use Complex Language is a good one. Don’t talk down to your audience but don’t fly so high with your language that they can’t read you.
Great post! We should all print it up and refer to it on a regular basis…this is a super checklist. Thanks!
Wow! Now that described me… wait what? Yeah, now I can see some of the bad things I have done here and there.
Great posts, Thanks!
Haha, unfortunately I find myself on that list with points 2 and 8 and even though I promised myself a ton of times to start spending more time on that, I still didn’t do it. Hopefully after reading this list things will change :)
I do pretty well at avoiding the things on your list, however I must say I can sometimes be guilty of #9, but one of my resolutions for 2012 was to post most consistently, it’s going well, but could still be better.
I think point 8 deserves more attention. Yes, you can read and understand the text without any problems, but it just seems unprofessional.
I think a good blog or web design should be included in the list of consideration because whenever you’ll see a bad designs you will likely conclude that the blogger needs some help….:)
That is true. Some free unmodified themes can do this to a blog.
This is great! haha
I’m hoping to never fall into any of these categories with my blog. Thank you for the insights!
Thanks for sharing! I have been doing some stuff right and a lot wrong. I am taking some of your advice and implementing now.
Great read! Bet you had as much fun putting that together as we have reading. Thanks for the entertainment :-)
I guess most bloggers have been guilty of the things you mention at one point of their blogging journey.
The good news is that, with time and lots of reading (and interaction with others) one gets better and soon stands a better chance of taking their blog to a whole new level of growth.
Happy blogging Karol.