“Being good on social media really has a lot to do with being good in relationships and conversation.”
I made this statement in a presentation really and have been pondering it ever since. While there are a lot of great techniques for increasing the effectiveness in your use of blogging or social media – much of it does really come down to relational skills.
This video explores some of the similarities between being the type of person people are attracted to talking to in ‘real life’ and being the type of person people want to interact with on blogs and other types of social media including:
- Being interesting and interested
- Being engaging
- Having something unique to say
- Taking initiative and not just being passive
Notes: See the full sized video here. Video shot on a Panasonic Lumix DMC GF1 (aff) – here’s why I use that camera.
Transcript of Video
I’ve had this video transcribed below for those who prefer to get it that way. The transcription provided by The Transcription People.
Last week I was at a conference speaking about social media – half way through I made a statement off-the-cuff that being good in social media or in blogging was really just about being good in life and good in relationships.
Social media is, as its name suggests, the social interaction that one person has with another person or a group of people. It’s a communal activity and, as a result, a lot of the things that apply to just being good at relationships apply to social media as well.
This morning I was thinking about what makes someone attractive in terms of conversation and what makes someone good at being in relationships. I was thinking about when you go to a party and you come away from that party either having had really good conversations with people or really bad ones and I’m beginning to think about some of the dynamics that make a someone the life of the party, someone who is, that draws others to them at a party because a lot of those same characteristics actually fit within the social media space as well.
Now, I’m not saying that you need to be an extrovert to be good at social media, but some of the things about good party-goers actually do apply.
Something Interesting to Say
I was thinking back to some of the parties that I’ve been to recently and the people that I’m drawn to at parties are people who are, one, they’ve got something interesting to say. They have experiences or they have a knowledge or they have just the ability to be able to talk about interesting things. Sure, it’s fun sometimes to talk about rubbish and to have a bit of fun with that but, really, I come home from parties thinking about the good conversations that I’ve had that have actually been interesting, that have been about things that I perhaps didn’t know before.
Interesting but also Interested
So, these people are interesting but they’re also interested. They’re people who are not only willing and able to talk about themselves or to be able to talk about life from their own perspective but they’re actually interested in what others think, in what you think. They look you in the eye, they ask you questions and then they listen to what you’ve got to say and then what they have to say builds upon what you’ve said.
They actually show you that they’ve listened to you and are able to build upon that and that’s what a, that’s when a good conversation happens is, it’s not just when two people talk in monologues and then don’t interact with what each other have said; it’s actually something that builds, that gains momentum and that takes listening, it takes being interested as well.
They’re entertaining, quite often, they’re willing to be a bit playful and perhaps have a joke at themselves, at you and in a friendly kind of way.
They’re engaging, they ask questions.
They’re personal, they don’t just talk as if they’re talking to strangers in a room, a crowd of people. They actually look you in the eye, they actually will share something of themselves in a personal kind of way and add to the conversation in that way.
They’re inclusive, and this is one of the things that I think really is applicable to social media is that these types of people, they quite often will not only be talking to you but they’ll be engaging others around you in the party. They’ll be making introductions, they’ll be making, they’ll be connecting other people together and in a way that actually sets those two people up for a conversation, by introducing two people and pointing out some common interests and facilitating conversations not just between them and one other person but they almost create a community around themselves at parties.
And this is one of the things that I think is particularly applicable to the social media space is that, not only can you have a great conversation with an individual, but you can actually create a community and introduce your readers, your followers to one another.
I’m seeing this happen at the moment through the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge that’s being run by SITS Girls. There’s this community happening there and, sure, I’m a part of it – 31 Days to Build a Better Blog’s going on – I wrote that, I’m trying to participate in that, but there’s this whole thing happening almost without me participating at all and it’s really a powerful thing to see a community build up around something that you’ve created.
These type of people, they take initiative. They don’t just let conversations happen and then chime in where they want; they actually drive the conversation forward. They’re taking initiative and thinking about what else they could say, what questions they could ask. They’re not passive in that way. And sometimes they’re actually quite surprising in the directions that they’ll take in a conversation. It’s often those conversations that end up in a completely different place that I think about as being good conversations. They’re not just predictable, they’re unique. They’ve got something unique to say and they’re quite willing to go and explore those types of angles to the conversation.
These people, they’re not arrogant, they’re not aloof and they’re not boring, they’re not passive; they’re actually taking initiative, they’re interesting and they’re interested. They’re the type of people I’m interested in chatting to at parties and also in social media. I’d be interested to hear about some of the characteristics that you find attractive in, both in real life but also in the social media space. If you’d like to leave a comment, we can interact around those in comments below.
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Hi Darren,
Great points you make there regarding social media, and comparing it to parties.
I also like people who are both interested and interesting. This way, you can really engage with them and carry a great conversation.
I agree with the point you make regarding social media. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on who you find interesting in the social media sphere.
Kindest,
Nabeel
Really good article. Bless those people who take initiative. But such people are harder to find these days. But interacting with such people can take you a long way as a person and as a blogger.
Thanks for the post, this is a really great way of looking at social media networking. I’ve always looked at it in a very general way but this is a nicely stratified list so if you aren’t a natural at it, you can use this as a tick list.
Darren,
You are very observant on the subject of human relationships. You make me think I must have been asleep in my Social Psychology School based upon your enlightened understanding.
I think you are right about how we are attracted to people who write blogs that bring forth characteristics of people we like to connect with in real life.
Personally, in real life I have no interest in listening to people who are all the time telling me they are the best of the best. When I come across a blog written like this I exit quickly.
Funny thing is that many times these sort of people are trying to fake it till they make it which is sad. I believe it is better to be yourself and show people you are working on stuff. That is just my opinion. I still have a lot to learn even after years of teaching personal development.
The truth is the best of the best are interesting and interested and humble as well. People like yourself.
Thanks again for sharing your insights.
David
This is a great post. I agree with all you have written and its always important to remain open to different types of mediums after all its about engagement with communities.
Thanks
Hey Darren,
These attributes are important when making friends online and offline. This reminds me of a book that I’ve read “How to win Friends & Influence People.” Great book!
Chat with you later…
Josh
Along these lines, do you think that some people are more naturally suited to Social Media than others?
Most importantly, do you think that relational skill-building for the sake of Social Media is a disgrace to the value of true human relationships? Why all the hype on authenticity & humanness, for the sake of monetary gain… when these skills & principles have been ignored for years in our real-life relationships.
Do we now do *for Social Media* what we never did for our existing human relationships?
i assume, the best way is to be a conversation driver in this situations.
This is a lovely post. I completely agree and I find it very helpful. All of those tips really are prevalent in healthy relationships!
Thanks! This isn’t only blog improvement, it’s self-improvement.
:)
Best wishes from one blogger to another,
~Zabrinah
This is why there are tons of geniuses out there, but when it comes to marketing, their social skills are lacking overall, so they end up not making money in this specific area of expertise.
@ thebloggingrobot – I totally agree that we have tons of geniuses and so call geniuses, but when it comes down to it they don’t have a clue on what it takes to market first of all.
Second of all, there social skills really lack which cripples the overall performance of who they are.
I think though we have to remember that many of these people are focused on being book smart and don’t venture out like some do.
So for instance maybe they don’t take the advice they should be from others.
It’s true, some of the people I know who are most socially adept in real life are also quite adept when it comes to social media. I’m sure this would carry over onto the business side of things as well!
Darren, It’s taken me a while but i am starting to find my voice within a social media context. I really enjoy connecting people and i’m an encourager in the rest of my life so why not in the social media world.
There is something happening with the SITS 31DBBB isn’t there? There’s this real willingness to engage and to try to learn about and from people who may be writing on or living lives/businesses that are vastly different. Even the emphasis on seeking out opportunities to connect – it is unlike anything i’ve seen except maybe from working with HCB who also did 31DBBB earlier this year.
Thanks for this discussion and for laying out a model of genuine engagement!
Some really great points made here Darren and with social media websites such as Facebook and Twitter only getting bigger, social media is becoming part and parcel of everyday life.
I’m still working my way into the inner circle of those who are the life of the social media party (SITSgirls, in particular) but wanted to answer your question regarding what we may consider good traits/characteristics of the most engaging folks in social media.
I’d have to say that online — and off! — those who are the most fun and interesting to me are those who refrain from complaining about this and that. The most enjoyable and engaging folks are those with (sincere) positive, upbeat, encouraging things to say. Those are the folks you want to hook up with as often as possible, not complainers.
I like your enthusiasm about community communications and dynamics …
To me, the people on social media that I feel most attracted to are people whom I feel are real … That’s about the only thing left that can still trigger my interest …
Darren,
“Being good at relationships”. I worked for a guy that was just mile above anyone else around in the way he would communicate with people. He said interesting thing, carried conversions in interesting directions and was always fully engaged. But his most outstanding skill was how he listened, fully, to what was being said. He made each person feel totally connected to him.
This relates to your party analogy well, because what made him stand out especially was that he did this with all his staff, with all his guests, with suppliers, and even over his emails. When he would be on his off days, I would have to take over his email, and it was amazing how different his emails were from mine. There were new dogs, baby birthdays, etc… and then business. Mine were order #34, did you revive x.
I can so often remember him having a conversation at a table, where he said nothing of consequence, but just engaged so deeply in the conversation that later talking to the guests they would remark how interesting he was. His ability to build relationships was amazing, and I’m sure it’s that kind of rapport building ability that makes a person excel at social media.
I so agree with what you say here, and being a people’s person in real life myself, I feel this has really helped with my on-line business virtually. I absolutely adore people. They fascinate me, I want to know about them and what makes them tick and like you say, their opinions on things, because I find it intriguing how we are all so different, yet with equally valid feelings and points of views.
I would also add, that people who do what they are passionate about (and make a living from it) definitely infuse a conversation with interest as their enthusiasm is contagious, plus if they encourage others to do what they love too, it’s hard not to warm to that person. As some-one who feels that art has helped change my life for the better (me, that is) I am totally passionate about sharing that love of art and encouraging others to do it too, hence the fact that I turned my love/passion into my on-line business this year.
Love how you write, it comes across as a natural flavour of you as a real person and not a marketing transcript :)
Amelia.x
You need to have an on-line collection of videos and photographs. This boosts conversation and draws people into it. At first it maybe a few comments, over time this can build up to 1,000 comments and then it can snowball into a brand that is known by many people.
Awesome post…
:]
I ended up posting a similar type of question on Linkedin. I’m not a social media expert but I do enjoy using it and finding about what’s going on in the community.
I think what’s also important is to be respectful in conversations and in social media. I know that everyone I meet is not going to agree with what I say, but I also know it’s important not to be egotistical and say that my view is the only view there is.
For those that would like to know how to be the life of the party and get more conversation tips I run a blog on conversations.
http://www.conversationarts.com/artofconversationblog
You make a good point about not being passive and actually directing conversation in a social media or party setting. Also, linking different groups of followers together that have common interests is a really good idea. Thanks for your interesting observations.
it’s only natural that our “real” social lives would have a direct impact on our internet social lives, I find it easier to engage people in real life more then online simply due to joking around or sarcasm that may not be conveyed as well through an online medium.
my take away from this Darren, is to keep practicing those real life party skills to better help your online mingling… more summer BBq’s here I come : )
Shawn,
Darren,
I have to ask this question, and you may have said something about this before, but do you watch your video and transcribe it yourself or do you use some voice recognition program, or do you pay someone? Haha, The answer intrigues me….Thanks!
~Jeff
Jeff – the transcription is done by ‘the transcription people’ – as linked to at the start of the transcription :-)
This is a of creative way of looking at social media. It certainly makes it easier to pinpoint why we gravitate to certain people online.
Of course being interesting is a must, but also feeling that your feedback matters. Not the type of person that you can never get a word in. Another characteristic for me is that I leave the conversation having learned something that can better my life and/or the life of others.
It is all about being yourself and engaging with your community
No doubt about it, social media can help you sharpen your relationship and conversation skills, as I like to call it, just a new model of relationship building, it has always been here.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for providing a transcript. It makes a huge difference to those folks who are sight or hearing impaired, not to mention those of us with slow network connections. I’ve had to bypass most of your videos just because most of the time my internet connection is just too slow to watch it. I really appreciate the transcript so I don’t have to miss your great content.
Thanks again, Darren! You’re the best.
Darren,
It’s funny how it always comes back to the basic principles of Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends & Influence People).
We all want to feel important. We all want to be listened to. We all want to matter.
As Godin says, we all want to be missed.
Thank you for bringing these core principles to light in the world of social media. We might not see our online connections face to face, but we can’t forget that a human being is sitting on the other end.
As for qualities I like, it’s the give ‘n takers. There are far too many people online looking to suck up information and scurry away. It’s the men and women like you that give as much–or far more–that you get that make this space work.
A lesson I’d do well to keep in mind.
Jason
Agreed with all of your points. I do want to chime in to emphasize that the “interested” – showing interest part – goes a long way. On social media I’ve been going out of my way to give someone’s work a stumble, or ask them question about their blog or art or writing. The reaction has been positive.
I do agree, i also noticed these things in my blogging career.
I like to think of Facebook, LinkedIn and other social networks such as the cocktail of the city. Posting on the Web as a big city with social media, such as attending cocktail sense of the best ways for retailers to use social media tools.
Social media plays a vital role in the life of any individual to interact effectively with the society surrounding him. Your blog gives a good way of communication and the ways to be the best. Thanks and keep writing.
———————–
burton
Darren, I greatly admire your ability to engage people in a participatory manner in your posts. I am a toddler at age 65 yrs. and I have always enjoyed writing and creating images with words and also as an artist creating colours and acrylic paintings. I am tenaciously approaching social media mainly due to my lack of technological “innocence”. Your post is a gentle prod for me to become more confident in my involvement with the social media. Much appreciated advise as always Darren.
Very interesting. I also find that there is an alarming amount of people when you meet them, will chat away, and while I find what they say interesting, they will never ask what I do for a living, nor will I offer. You have to work the conversation from every angle, not just yours!
We have found that the way to be engaging at parties is to be completely interested in the person you’re talking to. Ask them questions about themselves, and sit back and learn! People always enjoy talking about themselves, but it comes down to asking good questions. We are learning how to apply this strategy better on our blog, but so far the comments we receive are limited. Any suggestions on how to increase others involvement? Does this just take time, or is it revealing a lack of interest by the way we write our posts? What have you learned?
Howdy Darren,
You know I’m a people person and has always been. My thing is not to sell myself through the media or my blog.
My thing is to come off as myself and let the real people attach to that character of me.
Because being yourself is what build great relationships if you tell me.
Do You Think So?
TrafficColeman “Signing Off”
This is a great post. I completely agree that you need to be interested as well as interesting. I like the analogy of parties and find that while I usually manage to have some great conversations at parties I don’t seem to have the same success on my blog. I now realise that I need to ask more questions and make it a two way conversation. I need to be interested.
Thank you
Sarah
Great points. Even though we are at the computer a lot writing, we have to stay in tune to our readers.
I think this applies to in-person and online. However, it is great when people are so compelling online that you just have to meet them in person. It could be as simple as something they’ve said or their personality they let shine from their online portals.
Hello! This was a great post! I agree with you 100%! I try to be the life of the party online and offline. I enjoy hearing about people’s lives and also sharing my own. To be successful in this new “social media world”, people have to engage more and have more discussions. You never know what you may learn…
Thanks again — I appreciate your knowledge!
– Andrea
If you’re not a very charismatic person in life, you won’t be a very charismatic person online. And no one cares what you’re saying if you don’t really seem to care about it either.
I completely agree with you Darren. I’ve been overwhelmed with the ‘community’ the SITs team has created in a very positive way. We are all so different and yet so much alike in many ways. I find the people I connect with online are the people I would connect with at a party. Conversely, the people who seem a bit full of themselves online are the ones I would avoid at a party.
As for my social skills, I’m certain they developed over time with all the changes and moves I’ve made over the years. When you’re always the ‘new kid’ you have to find ways to relate and engage people simply as a survival tactic. I’d have to say, based on long friendships, it’s always worth jumping in!
Thanks for all you do, and especially the 31dbbb! I’m loving it!
Hi Darren! Yes, you are right! We should always take initiative in social media life. I used to be passive. I prefer to reply comment than start a conversation. I think i should take initiative start from now. Thanks for sharing!
Such a great post. I sometimes feel a little shy in “real life” group situations when I don’t know people. However I don’t feel shy on my blog or twitter. I am now thinking how what I so comfortably do in social media I can transfer to my regular life. Who knew I would learn how to be more comfortable at cocktail parties from twittering. I am inspired. Thank you.
social media really match to be compared with parties
nice
One thing that I think is great about social media versus a party is that at a party having that eye to eye contact can be hard. I’m very shy at parties but say at a twitter party I try to just jump in.
I know this is a common effect. Something about having your computer between you and the other person makes people who are introverted into extroverts!
I guess that’s why I love social media so much, it’s just like a party! I do love parties, especially when I don’t have to plan them myself :) The SITS girls challenge has been fabulous so far, my only problem is there are SO many participants and comments and blog posts I can’t keep up with them all.
One thing I notice about people in social media that I am drawn to…they are highly affectionate and encouraging…they actively praise those around them. This goes along with your point about being interested, but I think it takes it a step further. Everyone loves to receive praise and affection, so doling it out generously (as long as it’s sincere) makes you a magnet.
Darren,
This is a great “shout out” to the group #31dbbb doing your 31 day challenge. I have read your book problogger and found your 31 days online but it is nice to have a group coming together for the single purpose of doing this together. Support is what help individuals succeed.
Your creation is taking off. Women are very much empower.
Thank you for all you do
Eileen
Hey Darren,
You know how most people hear a recording of their voice and say “Do I really sound like that”…
Well I am like that with social media, I once looked back at some of my old Tweets and I said to myself “Do I really type like that”…
I hope that I am more charming in person!
Thanks,
Brian M. Connole
i-Blogger
Hey Darren-
What a timely blog entry. I launched a website back in January and found myself struggling with the social media aspect and making connections with people. Once I was able to take some time to reflect earlier this week (full-time jobs get in the way of being able to put time towards side-projects), I realized that I was going about it wrong. I was not being personal. I was spitting out tweets, just to tweet. I was being pretty heavy and too business-like in my blog entries. So, just a couple of days ago, I turned a new leaf and wrote a blog entry about my reflection…if you have time, check it out: http://blog.uknowpia.com. You wrote more thoroughly and eloquently than I, but ultimately, I think we’re both on the same page.
(virtual eye contact) Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. I find it very interesting and useful and motivating.
-Ginette