This guest post is by Jack Samuelson.
Blogging is no joke. There are millions of blogs, probably hundreds of millions of bloggers, and billions of articles online. Still, that does not mean everybody can blog effectively and run their own blog with success. So what about all those unsuccessful bloggers? Is the lack of popularity their own fault? Check out this short manual and find it out for yourself…
If you’re a successful blogger you might think you don’t need to read this. You couldn’t be more wrong. What if you got tired of doing the right thing and all this pesky, worthless success? Huh? You will definitely need my advice to kill your blog and scare away your readers. So, read and don’t forget to take notes.
Research? I don’t need no stinking research!
“I can write about any topic you want! Give me a subject and I’ll get back to you in just a few moments, perhaps an hour or so, with an already finished text. Try me! I’m writing off the top of my head and my head is full of great ideas. I can produce like ten valuable posts every day. No problem!”
Yeah right. You are probably one of millions of bloggers out there saying the same things. And I’m sure you are all misunderstood by the society of bloggers, which is why they reject your posts and ignore your blogs! Poor fellows.
Let me put it bluntly:
No research = no valuable content = no readers. Period.
Dear diary…
“I have such an exciting life! I just need to share it with you! With all of you. I don’t care that this is a tech blog, and I am writing about what I ate yesterday. I want to share all my experiences with you—tell you about my day, my adorable pets, my ex-girlfriend (ok, I’ll admit it—my imaginary ex-girlfriend).”
Now, listen. There is your personal diary where you can write whatever you want, and there is a blog where you should write what your readers want to read. Got it?
I’m the Pablo Picasso of blogging
“I am an artist! What I write is like a stroke of brush on a canvas. I never change what inspiration and muses bring to me. And you wouldn’t try to improve a piece of art would you? That’s why I write, finish and immediately publish my work, so people can enjoy and appreciate it (and bask in the glare of my genius!).”
Yup. That sums it all up. You are so attached to your words, you just can’t give them up. Every sentence is sacred and perfect. And then you wonder why no one reads your blog? You want to know why? I can help you with that: your articles are full of nonsense. They are simply unreadable. There you have it. It’s not marketing skills, but basic writing skills and modesty that you lack.
The word is the word!
“I’m a writer so I don’t add images, photos, videos or anything that could distract my readers! I also write long paragraphs so I can express myself the way I like. My articles are like short parts of a novel, of an epos. I am too great to care about the readers—they should care about me!”
Are you familiar with this new thing called the Internet? Where everything speeds up, where you are bombarded with millions of images, videos, pop ups, flashy lights, and more, every moment? Where every possible blog reader has literally millions of distractions?
And do you honestly believe that all you need is black “ink” and white background? Good luck with that. Let me know when you are ready to join us in the 21st century.
I’m a grown up and I don’t laugh or dance!
“This is blogging we’re talking about! That is a serious thing. Don’t be talking about jokes, funny pictures, sarcasm, and other childish plays. When I write on a topic, I’m dead serious! Regardless of the topic. Why would I want to laugh at iPhones and the Siri application? Because Siri sometimes answers question like “Where should I dump a dead body?” with specific directions? That is not a laughing matter. You should be ashamed of yourself and concentrate on serious writing—then maybe someone will appreciate it!”
Calm down, blogger… Everything’s going to be all right. Just breathe.
You know what? I’m not going to explain this one for you. If you don’t see it, just put a “joking forbidden” sign on your blog. I’m sure no one will connect it with totalitarian systems and George Orwell’s 1984.
There you have it. The complete manual for boring your readers to death and scaring them away. My advice? Use it at your peril.
Jack Samuelson is a contributing author who writes articles on numerous subjects, interested in issues of personal rights, online privacy, network security and anonymous surfing. He has been an insightful observer of new technologies (such as tools to hide IP) and their relations with the problems of internet privacy, freedom and independence.
