This guest post is by Lianne Froggatt of Yes Gifts, UK.
Managing an unsuccessful social media profile is a time-consuming task that requires your undivided attention and dedication. Encouraging so much animosity around your profiles takes time, patience and, most of all, an incessant desire to anger every person who ever had the misfortune to hit that Follow button.
So, do you want to make your customers and friends hate your every status update? Look no further!
Lose followers and alienate people on Twitter
- Tweet in batches of six or seven when 140 characters just isn’t enough.
- Tweet quotes from philosophers—you can rebrand yourself as a genius! Sophie’s World will do if you don’t know of any actual philosophers.
- Tell people about your miserable breakup. It shows the world you have a heart.
- Retweet profound quotes from celebrities. This will make you seem both cool and smart—a double-win.
- Make sure to reply to anyone who tweets about you or your work with a friendly “Thanks for sharing!”
- Tweet in different languages. This will show how linguistically diverse you are.
- Retweet ten things in a row. It will show your followers you really care about what they have to say.
- Make offensive jokes. You want to appear edgy—this will give you an extra dimension.
- Use an animated avatar. This totally makes you stand out from the crowd. So 2012!
- Follow people with “#teamfollowback” in their bio. Another valuable follower guaranteed!
- Say goodnight to your followers. And good morning. And Happy Tuesday.
- Name and shame people that unfollow you. Your other followers won’t dare to cross you.
- Reply to tweets by major celebs. Onlookers will think you are actually friends with them! Sneaky.
- Tweet your favourite song lyrics. You may attract other fans!
Lose followers and alienate people on Facebook
- Hook up your Twitter feed to your Facebook account, and every time you tweet, this will be posted as a Facebook status update. This ensures everyone, everywhere constantly know what’s going on in your life.
- Like every status you post. People will be more inclined to pay attention to your witty nature.
- Encourage as many likes as possible without considering their relevance to anyone; it’s quantity not quality that matters!
- Post ambiguous status updates. This will make you seem aloof and intriguing—after all, who can refrain from commenting on a sad face? Attention guaranteed!
- Never keep your statuses brief and to the point. If people don’t know the whole story how can you possible achieve those all-important likes? (Unless you are posting an elusive ambiguous status—in that case, short is fine.)
- Post all the time! Remember, if it’s not on Facebook, it didn’t happen, so everything from you breakfast to your bowel movements must be documented … and quickly.
- POST IN CAPITAL LETTERS. THIS IS EYE-CATCHING AND IN NO WAY LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE SHOUTING.
- Tag every horrendous photo you find. Whether this be your friends, or your clients at conferences, everyone loves to have their comedy “ugly” shots broadcast to the world.
- Show that you care. If a friend changes their relationship status to single, post reassuring comments like, “It’s okay babe, he wasn’t good enough for you anyway.”
- Don’t use your real name—this way, only people who are in the know can find you on Facebook. To be totally hip and groovy, use a comedic pseudonym.
- Use plenty of apps that post updates direct to your timeline. They will allow you to show off your achievements to the world in all their glory: how far you ran, how much weight you lost, how many Number 1 singles from the 80s you can name, how many cows you own on FarmVille…
- Sign up for automated sharing on music websites like Spotify: this way, every song you ever listen to will be shared with the world. Uber-cool.
Lose followers and alienate people on Pinterest
- Only post pictures of your own products. These are your boards, they should all be about you.
- Make sure your followers’ boards are filled with your pins by having a half an hour pinning blitz. Every day.
- Don’t participate in the Pinterest community. People will surely find you due to your fabulous pinning abilities.
- Only ever repin images from others’ boards. You will be seen as engaged and interesting and it alleviates the bother of having to find unique content yourself. Phew.
- If you do pin your own content, just get stuff from Google images. It’s easy to find and it doesn’t matter where it came from.
- Target all your pins at men. It’s a male-dominated platform, right?
- Pin lots of infographics. Most “normal” people haven’t heard of them yet, so you will definitely be considered cutting-edge by pinning every infographic you have ever seen.
- Make sure the infographics you pin are very long, enabling you to take up at least half of your followers’ pages as they scroll down in an attempt to get past it. Ultimate exposure!
- Your Pinterest boards must look full at all times, and that’s about the quantity of images you have up there. Don’t get overly concerned with quality.
- Never credit anyone for anything that you pin. That’s definitely not an issue on Pinterest.
- Get involved with every argument you see on pins. This is the time to let your opinion shine, and even if you are the 100th commenter, you can be sure that people are desperate to hear your insightful opinion.
So there you have it, the ultimate way to make your social media marketing a horrifying failure.
I am always looking for new ways to lose friends and/or followers, so if you have any other suggestions, please post them in the comments below.
N.B. Just to reiterate, in no way do I actually advocate this advice. In fact stop. Reverse it. There you go!
Lianne Froggatt is Digital Communications Manager at Yes Gifts, UK promotional products specialist. She would love any feedback, advice or comments, you might have so find her on Twitter @LianneCai, hopefully not following her own advice!
