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  • United States of America
  • March 27, 2021

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We’re Not in Kansas Anymore

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  4yr relationship ends badly.

Curiosity leads to online dating.  Met some dudes.  Some great dudes. One seemingly particularly great dude.

Six months of heaven with awesome online dude ends suddenly, with a no-show and severed contact.  No, he was not hospitalized or dead in a ditch, just an asshole.  A 35yr old asshole with kids.

In my dismayed idiocy, I on the one hand contacted a previous great dude, and on the other ran headlong into the arms of a good friend who had professed love for me.  Kill me.  Kill me now.

I have no trust or optimism for a long term relationship right now.  I thought our friendship could bridge that, it can’t.  I need a break.  Or at least, I’m back to needing that break from serious that I never really took.  Long time friend = instant serious.  Sigh.

Dude #2 from online is many wonderful things including very sexy.  I will have a hard time putting that down to take a break especially since *I* initiated the contact…  but if something meaningful grows between us it would be so hurtful to my friend, who is also many wonderful things and is, well, my friend…

OPTIONS:  do I have to ditch both of them and play the asshole card twice (I know, I know, I already did.)?   Do I let down my friend and see what happens with online dude?  If things develop with online dude, do I just hope my friend’s feelings change??  Ugh. ~Disgusted With Myself~

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Dear DWM: Gracious, you DO need a break! OK, the Bitter Single Guy is glad you wrote him…triage is required when there are as many bleeders as you have going on here. Let’s divide and conquer shall we, DWM?

Friend Who Is Now Serious: Here’s how you’ll break it off (and you must break it off). You’ll invite him for coffee (the BSG does not recommend alcohol) at a place that is public but provides sufficient privacy for a conversation and sufficient proximity to a door for him to stalk out angrily without breaking anything. This is his right.

At the coffee shop, acknowledge that you turned to him in your heartbroken despair because you knew he was safe and because you knew he had feelings for you. Acknowledge that you were inconsiderate of his feelings and that you realize you have seriously damaged your friendship with him. Your reason for talking about all of this up front is that no amount of mewling and whining about your fragile state will prevent him from coming to these exact conclusions once he’s stalked out of the coffee shop. If you admit and acknowledge your errors, the BSG thinks you’re much more likely to save your friendship.

Online Dude #2: Similarly meet Online Dude #2 at a coffee shop, but the BSG recommends switching coffee shops so the employees don’t think you’re some compulsive breakup person. At coffee with Online Dude #2, tell him that you find him ridiculously sexy and friendly, but that you realize that you’ve created a bit of a relationship morass between your recently ended relationships and the ones you’re managing now (the BSG really hopes you didn’t tell him you were exclusive). Tell him that you’d like to call him in a month once you have a chance to clear your head.

If Online Dude #2 is interested, then truly don’t call him for a month and after that the BSG recommends taking it somewhat slowly.

Overall DWM, you and the BSG seem to have come to the same conclusion. You were in whirlwind of rebound relationships that resembled Dorothy in the tornado. Naturally, when things get that out of control it’s time to sit the hell down and stop the madness. Stop the madness, DWM. ~BSG~

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